[[Remok’s Vampire Mental Blog]]
Prologue, E (event) +34 days or so
I compose this in my mind, with no inclination to every let it out. Doing so would be rather…foolish, for a variety of good reasons, not least of which it could easily to my death…again, and the of those who I care about, as little as might be left of them.
Still, I find myself in need of a mental headspace, in order to try and work out the rules…figures out just what has happened to me and what is going on. A placed walled off, where the monster has not yet found or found a way into a been let into (at least no yet), the place where I can say the truth:
My name is Remok Toral. I am a vampire. And I am crazy.
First Entry: E minus 1 year or so
I am recalling the events of the past as best I can, what I was thinking at the time, what I remember, what I thought I knew. If my memory falters, or my recollection is false…well, who the hells cares? This is just mental masturbation anyway, is it not? Still, I will try my best…after all, would not want to help the monster.
Toronto is New York without balls. At least in New York or Detroit, people do not pretend to a civility that masks their basic indecency. I grow so tired of people, so weary of their routines, so bored of their constant adherence to rules they barely perceive, much less understand , so tired of the constructs. People are so easy, even those, especially those who think they are predators…who think they know.
Anyway, Toronto is boring, predicable, easy….and good place to start again. The border was not hard to get across (no one really care about people going to Canada), and don’t think they will find me here…or even think to look here. Still precautions are in order… I can’t imagine living here long time, a wish which Ray devoutly agrees with.
Might as well put the time to use.
Second Entry: E minus 6 months or so
Toronto….still boring as hell. But I managed to meet some useful people, and got myself into the local backgames…and found someone who could get me some…important items. Money does help after all. I starting to learn the rules of luck, of chance. True, there are books and books on the subjects of probability, but they all take it in aggregate, and nothing on the why of singular: the 1 card, the 1 coin, the one. They say it is all just…random, and their rules of this.
I refuse to accept this. There are always rules, always laws. It just up to me to find them…and the money I make on the along is also rather nice.
Ray’s still hates the city, but he met someone, so its not all bad for him. Deborah is a nice girl, not the brightest, but still seems ok for him…anything that helps him forget about that time….
Thinking of which, no trouble yet. I guess they have not found us yet, or at least have not devoted the effort to it. Still taking precautions, but now its just like waiting for the other hand to fall.
Found a good D and D game at this place called Snakes and Lattes. See that how that goes.
Third Entry: E minus 1 day
So, I….well we have been here about a year. I think I am finally starting to see it…see the invisible constructs behind those fall of the cards…Very close. So close….
Anyway, that means that I should be ready to move on, soon. Ray will be delighted, though he still seeing Deborah…wonder if she will be coming with. I have to remind him to let her know about the danger…I think its mostly passed, but some of them surely have long memory….
Thinking of which, Of late, I can’t help shaking the feeling that someone is watching me. Nothing definite, and Ray says I being paranoid, but….I still feel it.
Yeah, definitely time to leave.
Fourth Entry: E
What am I…?
Fifth Entry: E
So much, so many, so so many new facts, new rules, new order…shut up, silence, silence, silence, must know, must arrange, must fix,
Let us put things in their place
1) Vampires Exist
2) I am one.
3)I chose this…over death.
4) Blood is the sacrament of our twisted existence
5) I killed someone in fury and lust….It was glorious…It was awful
6 Our blood comes with powers.
7 There is a society of us
8 There are many rules for their existence
9 I know some rules
10)I must know more.
And there is a monster in my head….
Sixth Entry: E plus 2 days
The gate are barred, ever so tight. Perhaps the monster sleeps tonight.
More things that I know
1) My..maker, my sire, the one who turned me thus, calls herself Jeannette Anders. She also has a monster in her head, like and unlike mine. She becomes what she drinks, and yet not
2) Her…their reach is incredible. She managed to find, bring and control all of the woman in my life…I see there silent screams…and can do nothing for them.
3) Our blood, the vampire blood can enslave mortals in chains of unnatural love…and a Romance Cliché is suddenly a reality.
4) There are tribes of them, each with differences…several: Ventrue, Tremere, Malkavanian, others. I am a Malkavanian…all of which apparent hear the monster.
5) They belong to a society, the Camerilla, which has rules…rules which it governs itself by. These rules make sense…for those in charge….and for those who wish to remain that way. We Shall see.
6) We use favors as currency. Tommy explained this….A venture who makes me want to make Hamlet references about smiles….if I was not afraid he would understand.
7) I can…command others, I can play with there emotions, I can see better. I am monster
and a monster is me.
8) I…made a choice. I will not enslave him…at least not yet.
Seventh Entry: E plus 1 month (or so)
I have been at this for a little month….’ere my shoes were cold and in such little has changed and much.
Janette still holds those I once cared in thrall, and I have been forced to move to lesser accommodations…and lose more than half my time. I suppose I trade eternity for it, but it still a poor accommodation in the short time.
Ray is loyal still, though fear dogs his steps…and he is right to do so.
It seems as if I am to be pared with another young Kindred….a man named Connor MaCloud. He does seem to believe he is the one….a simple man, barely more than a boy, really….who seems rather more human than not…a puzzlement.
Can one be more than what one was when that one is no more??
Eighth Entry: E plus 1 month and 1 nights
Triumph…of sort, but almost a defeat. I was rash…prompted perhaps the rush and my new partner who is even more of a hero without a cause then I had first thought. An ancient mother and police man of little weight almost caused me inconvenience. Before I would spent months planning and now…
If Only it would be quiet, so I could think….
Still, well it goes. We have found the man object of our search, the maker of Mr. MaCloud and rescued here from a rather unpleasant circumstance.
The fate of the one who did this to her would likely amuse if known.
More, we have found the nest in which her friends hide, and brought them into the more formal darkness. What we do with them….well we shall see. I even their freedom…though they may be a tool or weapon in the future. If nothing else, I will see that they do not suffer the same that I have
Finally I have met my sire’s sire…and he is tarrying and wonderful…and off course, the monster in him is strong. He plays a game, which rules I have not seen nor known…and invites me to play as well..teasing with knowledge of Gehuana, or might it mean. I must know more.
*Ninth entry: E plus 1 month and 4 nights
When they speak of the last night, they will likely speak of triumph. That is what the monster sings of
After all, we, 2 new kindred, with but a few mortals and small pack of regenade kin, took down a Sabbat pack. We killed 5 of them. We took their leader, still…living…dead living. We lost few. We won.
But what they will not speak is the one that died, alone, in the basement of a drycleaner. He was… you know I don’t think I want to remember his name, his face. He was a drug addict, he was a murder, a kin slayer, he was degenerate, lost, gone.
He was man.
And I killed him
I so once more, I must ask: What am I?
A choice comes. I must question, I am still willing to be a pawn.
Or should I embrace the monster?
10th entry: E plus 1 month and 2 weeks
And so the monster folk together and seeks to one up each other, gain advantages, destroy each others reputation, and possibly their lives.
Feels links Thanksgiving at home. Joy.
Still, Connor did well. He can make a speech when needed ,and dances and sings quite well. They seem to value these things…though of course not enough to actually see him…or me, for that matter. I am still an adjunct of hers, an object to amplify her sick sense of glory.
Time, time. I must learn the rule. I must learn…
Anyway, he offered me an alliance. Interesting…interesting, I will have to see. I have had no real friends except for Tiger. Perhaps, perhaps
Oh Tiger. Oh Ray. Oh humanity. To still have a heart that beats…and to spend it so stupidly. A cop. Really?
Really? Ah well, It would be so easy to just get rid of her, one way or another. So much easier.
But of course, I won’t. You will not win yet, monster.
- 11th entry: E plus 1 month and 3 weeks
I hate oracles
To my mind, that fucker Oedipus got what he deserved. Anyway who goes to see a fortune teller whom they both know to be accurate and what they predict to be immutable bad deserves what they get. From all that I read, the oracles never predicted good news. You figure after the first couple hundred idiots got told they would get their balls eaten by ants or something equally as pleasant, the oracles would be taken off the list of tourist destinations. But no…Good old Barnum was right, there is one born every minute.
I was resolved never to be one of those suckers. But, if I apparently won’t go to the fucking mountain….
Darkness is coming…coming to see me soon…at a theatre nearby. What is it with the Vampire world and melodrama? It sometime feels like I am trapped in a high school Goth drama, only the boys and girls are ancient monsters with vast powers…and ate the rule book when they got too hungry.
Seriously. I told the kid it was like Mao, and that is not bad analogy. But even its even more like playing Jenga…in the dark…and for each piece you need to pay someone…and you never know if you can get away with enough pieces before everything comes collapsing down.
And I hate Jenga, also.
The bitch of it was, otherwise it would have been a good week. My personal motherly monster taught me something actually new and useful. I got Ray’s girlfriend off our back and back in love with him, and she might even prove a valuable friend….and even got a monster put away. My ex’s and other women will go free. The Catiffs are starting to recover, and the Connor came up with an idea they seem to like…and which I can help with….and also offered to link me up with some money cows. I even met some a new potential source of information, though I must admit getting facts…well see above.
But now, I get to be in the center of some new pronouncement of doom…of which I can’t help feel is linked to this Vampaggedon, or Gehana, that the AA Lord seems to want to preach…Of course everybody who knows something about it seems to either want to pretend it does not exist or thinks its inevitable. I am guessing I get to be a part of it now… “Soon”
What the hell does “Soon” mean in world of immortals? The blink of an eye, the turn of a moon, the breathe of a year, or the dawn of a centuries? It could be any or all of those…and now I am starting to sound like one of those Goth kids.
Damn you monster, damn you.
There is no system, no set of rules I have yet met that I could not learn, could not exploit. And maybe I will not have enough time, but I guess if I am going to die again, it might as well be trying. I am sure Oedipus would be proud. But I know something he did not.
“Those who fear the darkness have never seen what the light can do.”
12th entry: E plus 2 month and 2 weeks
I created my first slave yesterday. My maker would be so happy…if she wasn’t a jealous psychotic bitch. Oh well, I suppose asking for consistency would be a bit much…
But no time for that, so many justifications:
“I gave her the choice”…
Sure and I am so bad at controlling people that refusal was a realistic option for her.
“Everybody is a slave, really, to their jobs or their obligation, or most especially, there fears…”
And giving a toddler a candy is the same as giving a terrorist a nuclear weapon. Degrees matter, and misleading comparisons are not an excuse.
“She probably would have lead a worse life if I had not done it.”
Says pretty much every dictator, pervy teacher, and horrible parent. Maybe…well probably, but at least it would have been her choice, her mistakes.
And now they are mine. She is mine. I have a personal bloodpet…who just happens to a hot woman.
You know what the part is?I don’t even mind that much
I guess today is your day, monster.
*13th entry: E plus 3 months and 1 week
Faith is a freighting thing.
I am no thinking about the lipstick dreams of a billion lost souls, or the screams of the television evangelist, or even the comforting words of the local priest. No, this belief is..well simple what most things the are, the tools by which people manipulate themselves and others, a useful thing, no more true or real that any of the constructs we place upon ourselves
As an abstraction, faith allows the impossible. It allows men and woman to do things that they should not be able…walk into bullet storms, build pyramids miles high, find peace in an eternal sleep, and even think the cats are cute and trustworthy. And yes, there does seem to be a fine line between delusion, denial, and faith.
For example, the last one does seem to allow mortals to controls us. Its kind of as if were hunting a deer, when it suddenly produced an ak-47 and looked at you like it wanted to have a serious… discussion. Apparently, there are even more rules that I need to know, specifically how both sides now get shinny toys.
And also, who pulled the Deus Ex. If its not AA lord, than it could be something even more disturbing…
Anyway, these are all questions I need answered, So its looks like I will have to meet these guys again.
But this time, I have faith the meeting will go a bit different.
For I have heard many things that God or whatever may do. Lets see how he responds to my friends.
On the roof.
With a sniper rifle.
14th Entry E plus 4 and half months
“These woods are lovely dark, and deep…”
These beings I find myself with are a curious contradiction. What they claim defines their exchanges more than anything else is bounds of obligation, bonds which, to some extent are, invisible, certainly intangible, and really not enforceable, should it get right down to it. And yet among those whom they, we come from, and are our mirror, they are so fearful that they most enforce these bounds with virtual…well no virtual about it, slavery.
Of course, apparently the alternative is worse, far worse. I had the man I have trusted, the man whom I have been with through things I thought unimaginable, the man whom I would place my life and soul in his hands, my only true friend, at least of long acquaintance, turned against me.
And then I enslaved him. Him. I don’t know, I can’t know if this is what he would have wanted…I think it is, I hope it is.
But my Monster agrees, and that is never a good sign.
Speaking of monsters, I am really wondering at my new…”family” specifically my clan and why they choose me. So far, it seems as if virtually every other clan has people I get along with…or at least have a basic respect for and many seem to at least recognize I have some value.
But the Malkavians.
Well, lets see.
There is my maker, the lovely Mrs. Anders, who represents, pretty much to a tee, everything I despise from before: “a powerful individual who uses that power to abuse and control others, to bring misery and despair for her own benefit.” Now, if I believed in fate, fate told me how to correct that.
But I don’t. Still, did give me an idea. I wonder if I can teach empathy. Hmmmm
Anyway, there’s her, and than there is John, whose fundamental hypocritical madness woiuld so hilarious, if it was not so terrifying. I mean, come on, honesty…from the guy who I am convinced spends most of time manipulating others to point of bring hunters against rival clans. I wonder if anyone ever tried telling him honesty begins with self.
I also wonder what happened to him Probably better if I don’t know.
And finally there is Mr. Friendly.
I am not sure about him. He could just be that much of an asshole, so distant from humanity that he has forgotten, or no longer cares about, civility to anyone whom he considers beneath him. This just might be the way he relates to all neonates.
From what I have seen, that’s certainly true, but its not all of it.
It could also be his way of keeping me down, like a cat smacking a young dog so that when it grows it does not challenge her, even though the dog may be bigger and nasty in future.
Possibly, even probable, but still not everything. Such a long time before I could really challenge him, at least with any reasonable chance of success….and he could judge me better than that.
It could be he suspects that I suspect him. But than being an asshole doesn’t do much, and I would just probably be dead.
But I do find it very curious that after all this, I am brought to meet these anarchs, rebels from the order, those who defied the bounds.
Almost as if someone wants to see which way I will jump when pushed…and whether they can trust me to stay loyal even after such treatments.
They need not worry so. As much as I might despise some of them and what they stand for, the promise of anarchy holds little appeal to me.
“,, I have promises to keep. And miles…and miles to go…
I did not except them to be quite so…seductive
Freedom and brotherhood….freedom brotherhood.
Freedom from debts and obligations, from the incessant politics and backstabbing, from elders commanding like a dog, from the madness that are my fellows.
And brotherhood…or at least bounds that are not based always on “favours” and keeping score, bounds forged on trust and without the meddling of elders and clans and tribal lines and secrets, always secrets.
Its sounds almost idyallic
Is sounds like a dream.
But we don’t dream anymore, and
Children rarely get to stay that way.
Still, if nothing else they have earned my admiration for attempting such a dream.
For how else can it become.
And so, depending on how they answer…I may need to introduce myself.